My New Years Resolution

I am GOING to own a Mac PC by this time next year!!!!! :)

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been. ((awesome song btw))

I have an attitude problem...THAT's old news. (old news? how is there such thing as OLD NEWS?) I tend to snap at people when they snap at me...which is understandable, but I never USED to do that. It's not exactly glorifying to God. Plus, it's immature. Frankly, I feel like I'm going backwards in that area lately. I find myself becoming less of a person than I was before, in my opinion.

For example, I used to just shrug everyone's opinion of me off, along with whatever unkind things that might be said behind my back OR to my face. Now, if you say it to my face, expect a mouthful. On top of that, I haven't been the kind of person who CARES about what anyone thinks of me for a long time....until now. I've become so acustomed (idk if i spelled that right) to being myself, which is different, that being different is now something i TRY to be. People expect me to be different, and I like being different. The thing is, there I am TRYING to be what other people expect me to.

So, my favorite brand is Nike/Jordan. No big secret. Most of my shoes are Jordans or Nikes, because I like them. But, I got a DC shirt for Christmas. I was like "awesome. i like THIS"....but then i thought "wait. most of the white people at my school wear DC. i dont want to be like all the people who don't know me EXPECT me to be."

.....WTF. That's a really messed up mindstate, in my opinion. I've become so consumed with wearing what I like and LIKING it being different that when I come across something that i LIKE thats the SAME, I don't want to wear it. This might all be only making sense in my head lol. Basically, I'm conforming into a nonconformist...kinda. Idk. So, THAT got me thinking.

PLUS--Just a few minutes before I started typing this, I was on myspace. This girl I got into some drama with deleted me, and I was like "wow. thats funny."

(((So, I thought back to how me and the girl were texting on Christmas day. She had been starting some rumors about me recently, but she came and texted to me that I ruined her Christmas. I have been NOTHING but nice to her, even though I don't like her. So, my attitude snapped into action...via text message. Long story short, I got really rude with her--I meant every word--but the way I spoke them.)))

So, I went to view my profile and happened to look at my display name, a fancified version of "katymay((reppin dat GEE OH DEE))" I was like WHOA. Am I really representing God how he deserves to be represented? When I was texting that friend, I'm sure God was NOT looking down thinking "That's ma girl." :(

So here I am thinking about how much I've changed and how much i DONT like who I've become in comparison to who I USED to be...in some areas, that is. And the SAD part about it is that I'm pretty sure that MOST of it is because of a relationship thats pretty important to me. Richard...So...sitting here ashamed of myself and the way that I have been.....

I think I know what I should do.

:(